Saintccine Inc. Wins Faith-Based Vaccine Bid With Pentagon

February 20 2003

The internationally acclaimed, San Diego based, Saintccine Inc., led by researchers Dr Tommie Lee Suber and Dr Richard Gibson, announced Pentagon approval of the first faith-based vaccine, authorized for all US service personnel, to combat all known pathogens, viruses, and bacteria that might be released in any atmosphere or ingested in any form. 

Dr Gibson, who also serves as the Ethnark of Puce within the Universal Life Church Incorporated (Kirby D. Hinsley, spiritual leader, Modesto, California ) and Dr Suber, the certified- in- this- life-a-Saint of the church, received the first faith-based federal initiative grant after attending a Tupperware and talking snake Glossolalia Party with the First Lady of Heavenly Tongues, Mrs Bush, the first Attorney of the Inquisition, Mrs Aschroft, and the first Anti-terrorist Homeland Alarm-Shouter, Mrs Ridge. 

"We learned about this great opportunity to serve and save our nation and all of humanity at the Tupperware-divine-snake party, then followed up with some free-will offerings of our own, all in good faith you know. I was playing with my snake on the couch and the First Ladies were watching and it came to me, the Immaculate Conception Saintccine Vaccine Cream! Then, I knew we had just the boys who could make it. And like a burning bush, there was our approval in the mail," said Dr Suber.

Several university scientists who published findings critical of the faith-based vaccine were arrested in Two-Egg Florida where they fled on learning of warrants for their arrest as terrorist infidels and scare-mongers. Dr Lance Reventlow, the chief physician at John's Hopkins University and ringleader, was arrested under an alias, Hareeem Ahmed Booombthrewer, the name given him by the Homeland Security Agency following his critical report. While he was registered in a small hotel under the alias "Reventlow," a Homeland Security Special Agent in Complete Charge whose name cannot be said aloud or printed stated, "Yes, the terrorists often use aliases after we have given them new names. It is an old trick. We are on to them. Patriots would never resort to this. "

All of the other 'scientists' in the Two-Egg traveling cell also had distinct long vowels in their names and were on many lists. 

Dr Gibson attributed Booombthrewer's report to, "professional jealousy. He just does not have our celestial contacts. And, of course, we know that he once secretly possessed and circulated to persons unknown a clandestine world map with Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, North Korea and parts of the Philippines on it-and he had this strange fascination with body parts. You have to be skeptical about that."

Booombthrewer is reportedly being held incommunicado in a Tupperware shipping crate at a secret prison prior to his secret trial and subsequently unannounced conviction. Inside sources say it is rumored that he has been offered a plea bargain: community service as a researcher on the next space shuttle. 

Dr Suber and Dr Gibson attributed the sweepingly curative nature of the vaccine to, "Pure faith, love, and our crusading search for a cure in Defense Department covert trailer-park laboratories in East County San Diego. This will halt any bio-chemical attack in its tracks. Nothing lives past this. It is the Inquisition in science against terror and weapons of mass destruction--thanks to Lady Aschrcroft. We learned from her. Well, and the snakes too. Plus, we hired the best cooks in the business, local entrepreneurs," reported Dr Suber. This is the inspirational path of the marriage of science, society, and the great charismatic tradition." 

"I don't care if the laboratories do smell like ether. The troops will love this. They can have faith in our Saintccine vaccine cream, just as they have faith in their President, and their selfless military officers, and their faithful wives and husbands at home. This is a thousand times better than those Gulf War bio-terror wetsuits, " said Dr Suber, "and, as a cream suppository, it is fun to take--not like a nasty shot. This will be very big in the Navy and anywhere the missionaries go as well. " 

Dr Gibson and Dr Suber quickly donated the entire $49 billion grant for the vaccine to the church they lead, "In God's name." The modest Dr Gibson ("please just call me Ethnark,") was quick to point our that while the donation would put the grant out of reach of the tax laws, "This was only fair. People already paid this as a tax. To tax it again would be double taxation, and taxation on the work of the Lord to boot. This was divinely inspired. You can't tax His snakes." 

The Saintccine Vaccine will be delivered to the troops three days before Easter, "to demonstrate its restorative powers," according to Saint Suber. 

Pentagon spokesmen stated that, "There may be a brief period of immobilization for troops hit by poison gas and similar weapons, perhaps three days according to the Saintccine protocol, but after three days those who do not rise up will be shot as malingerers. We have full faith in the Saintccine vaccine." 

Delivery in time for the beginnings of WW III was delayed while the vaccine was thoroughly tested by inspired White House personnel. 

By Rich Gibson
Professor of Education
San Diego State University


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